My Own

As we all drove home in our own cars, alone, the sky mourned her too.



To the sickly princess.


Please, if you're EVER looking to adopt or buy a purebreed dog, make sure they are not inbred to keep the bloodline. This is our theory with Diamond - the severity of her inbreeding caused her to have a deformed heart. It was abnormally large and pumped too much blood to her brain, causing extreme epilepsy. In the last days, she had seized every night for five days and had no sense of herself. This was no quality of life and so we had to let her go at only three years of age.

Everyone loved Diamond and she will never be forgotten.

I've talked briefly about how I have two assistance jobs lined up for me after my January move, one for my mom's client and for my dad's best friend. However, another one of my mom's clients also wants me to work for her! :D I'm excited to have a lot of work coming to me - it's just that many steps closer to achieving my dreams.

I had my first job with my dad's friend on Friday. He had me manning my camera as a side-shot to film Keith David singing as Nat King Cole for a reel to present to the Cole family and lawyers to pitch an ongoing theater performance of... well, Keith as Nat. I made some good calls on my filming and met more people in the field including a famous producer, and my dad's friend said he'll definitely have more of this kind of work for me in the future, so I'm very very excited!

That's really all I have to report on, I hope everyone's still doing well and I'll see most of you next Saturday. :3

So here I am, trying to get back into the swing of writing because I've decided that I could use the practice.  LiveJournal is fairly useful to me too, because I don't keep in touch with everyone as often as I should.  So what's new?

I think everyone knows by now that my life goal has now shifted.  Though I've wanted to be a novelist from around the age of five, I've recently found more passion in a film-based industry.  While I'm open to several jobs, I'd say ideally right now, I'd want to write and direct.  Because of this change, my schooling choices have also changed: instead of Berkeley, it's UCLA for me!  Although USC has a supposedly better film program, it's not only FAR more expensive, but also situated in a very unsafe neighborhood.  Besides, in the end, it'll be my potential talent that makes me, not where my degree was from.  So that's the general plan, I'll probably still minor in English.  My ultimate, wild dream is to be the next director to take on the mantle of the Batman films!  I'm so excited, determined, and just so sure about this career choice that I can't wait to get started on it.  Unfortunately, I took some ultimately useless classes and now it'll be a while until I get to transfer out.

My mom recognized my impatience to begin my life as an adult, and so she made an amazing offer.  In January, I am moving out to live in L.A., rooming with my aunt Marissa!  I'm transferring to a college in L.A. and working two jobs as a production assistant with my dad's best friend and my mom's client.  This way, I will get on-set experience with flexible hours, while continuing to attend school on my way to UCLA!  It hasn't hit home for me yet that I am really leaving this place, leaving the beach and everything I've known for the past 15 years, but I guess that's because I am still living with family, technically, and it's not too far away.  But even so, this will be a new chapter in my life, and I'm so grateful to be afforded these opportunities.  I know how hard it must be to my parents, but I have needed, so badly, to see my life actually start, and this is where it will be.  The plan is to live with Marissa for about 6 months until her lease is up, and then move in with Chanel when (if) she transfers to USC (if that doesn't happen, I'll just continue to live with Marissa).  And in about a year, I'll talk to my parents about moving in with Chris... :]

For right now, I'm struggling through THE most difficult semester I've faced yet.  I am being crushed by oceanography, am VERY far behind on the work for my extremely politically biased history professor, not enjoying my blathering Japanese professor, and though my writing professor is AWESOME, it's still a lot of work.  But this is the last one I'm taking here, so I've just got to suck it up and make it through.  It's been giving me a lot of anxiety, a lot of late nights huffing and puffing and crying and scared, but in the end, I know I'll live.  I've just always had trouble dealing with school-related anxiety.  But here we are, it's November (in two hours) and I don't have to make it past much more than that.  I know there's so much to look forward to when this is all over.

Everything else is moving along normally or well.  I'm becoming more food-aware and am inspired to learn to cook... eventually.  I'm also becoming more fashion aware and am not sure if that's a good or a bad thing...  And the love life is great; eight and a half months and not a single fight.  Not one.  I never knew happiness could come from someone so easily.  During our weekend cover of the 2009 Scream awards (which didn't go that well), my parents allowed Chris to stay at our house rather than having him go back and forth to Riverside or rent a hotel.  I was surprised by their trust but, again, grateful for it.  I just look back and I love to see how things have changed and how I've grown.

I guess that's really all I had to say, sorry about the length!  I just got excitable about getting back into LJ (we'll see how long this lasts).  I want to know what's new with your lives!

Make no mistake, I am thrilled about Obama's victory. I have a lot more hope for the future than I have in a long, long time. I am proud, pleased that I voted. And I suppose this is our biggest victory, because it does promise change, hopefully for the better.

But, this is specifically about prop 8. I am incredibly, severely disappointed in its passing. Looking at the maps of the individual counties, I see that the coastal counties generally voted prop 8 down, while inland was a solid mass of "yes on 8." So this leads me to believe that while LGBT activists are doing a lot to campaign, I think that the efforts are being focused in the wrong places. Sacramento and the bay area may have political sway but the majority of the population itself there is already convinced. The way I see it, more movements should happen inland. A lot of those who voted for the proposition were among the elderly as well - most younger people voted it down. I just think the focus needs to be changed. Even if it's hard, I know nobody is going to stop fighting. It's just so silly that the right was given and taken away. I want people to see this, turn it down as unconstitutional, which it is. It's insane to me the views that people take against it. It was established that anything they said about teaching it in schools was absolute bull - no marriage of any kind is a subject in schools here, and parents here CAN object to subjects their children are taught. And as for civil unions having the same rights of marriage, that sounds familiar to me... "Separate but equal?" Except that equal part is never quite true, is it. God forbid we ruin the sanctity of marriage, with it's 60 percent divorce rate. Why can't we ever learn? How ridiculous does it sound today that not so long ago, people of different races couldn't marry? I don't understand people. I am disappointed in people.

I lost eloquence and inspiration. More later, maybe.

Two posts in one day, go me! But I'm finally having dreams that don't involve you-know-what and they're fairly interesting.

In one, I dreamed I had an adorable fuzzy black hamster. I would carry it around in my hand everywhere, and when I would take it in the car, it would roll onto its back and fall asleep. The first time that happened, I thought it was dying and I freaked out, but it was apparently just a really weird hamster. I want it now. D:

There was also one I can't really remember the details of, but I remember running down a path and trying to avoid giant green triceratops, and like two purple tyrannosauruses and two purple velociraptors. At the end of the path there was this camp place with cabins, and there was a whole one that was like a showering area. I was in the back corner, and then another girl died near the front. I don't remember any more. >_>

Then there was a creepy ass one about Bellatrix Lestrange (*nerd*). She had a daughter, and a younger son. However, she killed the daughter to invoke evil spirits or something. She was in this decrepit old house killing people - random people were tied to chairs and she would do something to make their skin crumble and fall off, except I could see inside their hollow heads, and a perfectly normal face was under it. When they died, I could see their souls fall out of their bodies, literally. When she killed enough people, the house rose up from about three stories to ten, and she got on the roof and killed the daughter. Someone else was there too, but I'm not sure who it was. After that, the setting changed to the beach and I was talking to someone about it, except I replaced Bellatrix with J.K. Rowling, and I was saying why did she get to keep the son after she killed the daughter, and whoever I was talking to said that the son lived with a friend. XD

That's all I remember for now. I might update later.

I'm not far away, or at some great school, so there's no need for me to update about it all that often. I'm taking mostly online classes, with only one class I attend at the school, which is Beginning Japanese. I wasn't sure how the levels of Japanese worked, so I chose to be safe, and even though it's ridiculously easy, I'm glad I chose that class. I made a group of friends extremely fast, every Tuesday and Thursday I spend most of the day in Irvine eating lunch and hanging out with them. Even though some of them are older and I have to go home when they go out drinking, I still enjoy their company immensely. I think some of the Hill group and my IVC friends ought to hang someday. I think you guys would really like Chanel, she's my best friend in that class and very sweet and outgoing, although kind of ditzy but it makes her lovable. My other classes are boring; I don't meet anyone since they're online. I do the work and I have A's, blah blah blah. Doesn't matter too much, it's easy to transfer schools. I'll get the credits and then I'll be on my way to UCI and moving out. To be honest though, I'd love to have visitors most of the time when I do move out, but I kind of don't want a roommate. But maybe I'll change my mind. We'll see.

I also have a lot of friends on Stickam, the webcam chat I'm on all the time. I know it's bad that I am undeniably addicted to the internet, but at least I'm more social than I would be otherwise. I know these people because we all go to the same room all the time, the one for people from Gaia. My best friend there is Ando, he lives in San Jose, but he is moving to San Diego this summer so I'll see him them.

I'm still stretching my ears. I'm at a 10 gauge right now; I have long, cheap, hollow tunnels for earrings, so I can put regular earrings through them and it looks pretty cool. Unfortunately, I had two small blowouts. Blowouts are when you stretch your ears too fast, and some of the tissue from inside the piercing pushes around the earring to the outside. It's not very pleasant. Fortunately, I'm still at a small size and I have very long tunnels, instead of ones that fit neatly inside your lobe, as is normal. I popped them both back in and I think they'll be okay and I can keep wearing these earrings.

Yvette and I have been talking, since she goes on Stickam chat too. Now she texts me and it's fine, I suppose. I think it's probably good to move on. She told me she doesn't tell Devon that we text, and I only made mention of it to Tim once, but he's now openly hostile towards her, so I don't talk about it with him any more.
Tim and I are on tenterhooks. Right now, we could go either way. I can't suss out my own feelings, it's all a mess, so hopefully everything will work itself out.

One last note - I'd like to know what's going on with AX and CC this summer. Who is going to which one, how many days, what themes are we doing at which convention? I'm going to both. Also, I would love to try to look into different hotels, and if none work out, then I guess back to the Day's Inn, but I think it's worth looking in to. I'd like to stay with everyone this time, it seems like fun. I'd just like to go out one night and have fun with everyone without my parents around! Please give me any info you're privy to. Thank you!

So. As most of my friends (and also my whole Japanese class now) know, I have an infected pancreas. I went to ANOTHER specialist today (he was very Indian, turban and big beard and all). He suggested I not do the upper GI test I was scheduled for tomorrow morning, because he doesn't want me exposed to the radiation. Instead I get to be knocked out and have a tube shoved down my throat so they can look around.

I don't think I have time to make up my grades. I hate what I've done to myself. I hate that I can no longer motivate myself to try. I miss the days when everyone knew I wasn't a moron, and I got some semblance of respect for it. I guess those days are gone.

Did I ever tell you guys anything about my semi-lucid dream? I actually had it several weeks (if not months) ago, and cannot really remember it.

I guess the point is that I had a semi-lucid dream. I know that I was just standing that, knowing I was asleep and dreaming, but I never moved or anything. Still, though, pretty cool.

Anyway, I successfully made it through Christmas and New Years without killing either myself or any others. I also got to have Tim over for Christmas, which was nice.

Although he is being a bit... meh right now.
I know, I'm just uber descriptive.

School is destroying my life, hooray!

And I know, teenage girls whining about their lives on LIVEjournal.
Just... don't say anything.

Well I must say that I've been extremely tired all day. I didn't get around to going to sleep until about 5, and I had to get up early (school early - yeesh) to go to my mom's office with her. In any case, I've been almost falling asleep all day. So sometimes I have "half dreams," which Tim failed to understand, so I'm not sure if you guys have them... ^^; It's when I'm mostly asleep, but still somewhat aware of my surroundings, and I start dreaming. It's not a vivid dream, but it plays fairly clearly, only a little muffled, and I am the teensiest bit aware that I am dreaming, though not enough for it to become lucid. If I go into a deeper sleep afterwards, I will probably forget. However, sometimes I will wake up and remember vague snippets from my half dreams, and because I am semi-conscious, I often find that it is easier to remember details than when I am fully asleep. I can hang onto them. And tonight, I had a half dream that has inspired me and my muse has started work again.

Now, this story, to me, honestly sounds more manga-ish than story, but my drawing skills are not up to par there, and manga writing has not been my dream, fiction writing has. So, since we failed to have a Writer's Workshop, help me out here. :]

What I've got so far is some kind of princess or something, a young (blonde) woman who was murdered a long, long time ago. Her character design... very serious face, and there's a marking almost like a peace sign down it that I don't know if it's blood or makeup... Well anyway, at the time of her death she was perfectly neutral, unable to go to Heaven or Hell, Paradise or Hades, and so her spirit was trapped on Earth. Thus, since the time of her death, she has reincarnated herself into the bodies of other young women, and tries to do good deeds to get herself into Paradise. Should be easy, right? Except these deeds must also balance out the fact that she is getting revenge on the descendents of her murderers, mostly by brutally killing them through the bodies of these girls (so okay, it's something of a horror). And so she has remained neutral for some hundreds of years. I already have one... no, two! of the girls she will inhabit. The story, I believe, will open with both of them being the main character. The "regular" girl has black hair in pigtails and a very morose face. Because she's a/the main character, it might come as a shock to the reader when she is suddenly killed trying to exact the spirit's revenge. *evil laughter* The second girl I think will be more happy, and I'm not sure of her fate. I might go through a few different girls over time. We shall see. Feedback please. ^^

EDIT:

Look, Ashley's having her birthday party, and everybody is allowed to bring one person. Basically... I will NOT go alone. It's a dance party. This girl does not dance. Someone come with me so we can keep each other occupied. I don't want to ask any one particular person because I don't want to put them on the spot. >_<; But yeah. Here's what her invitation says:

Wow, I almost died this morning. Well, not really. But I really WANTED to die this morning. But nobody wants to hear about that. >_<;; *cramping*

ANYWAY. I've got the rough, general part of my post-birthday plans. Basically, we are going to Disneyland Thursday after next. I'm still not sure on the specific details, such as when and where we'll meet, so leave me suggestions please. Love you all. <3

Gah, I'm basically catching a cold, which is terrific. Not. It's summer! Why a cold?? Gah... >_<;; Anyway, Tim's away at camp right now so I haven't talked to him... I dunno, since... Monday? I guess the rest is probably good for us. I got his jacket today, only I was really cold last night so I put it on. XD It's rather large on me. But I'll wash it before I get it to him, obviously. Blaaaah I hate being sick! *sniffles* Waah... I'm going to try to find something that I can actually swallow. D:

Current Mood: crappy

(Same as the entry on my MySpace, BlogSpot, and DeviantArt)
Prepare for a long entry... :3

We went to AX today, and it was pretty cool! Okay, so Christany came to pick me up, and she looked both alarming and awesome as Count D! She had this black wig over her hair, and purple eyeshadow, plus her black silk shirt/dress thingy with butterflies, over black pants, and her awesome sandals. :D So we headed to the Anaheim Convention Center, enduring ceaseless calls of, "Are you here yet?" Finally we arrive, but alas! Alyx was too foolish to register ahead of time. In fact, Alyx bought her ticket online this morning! (Also, Alyx has no idea why she is referring to herself in the third person, but whatever.)) So Christany, being the ever-so-kind soul that she is, waits with me in the registration line. FOR TWO TO THREE HOURS. Oooh yes. But I saw some awesome people along the way. There was this awesome Rinoa, who became my first hero. Then there was this Asian girl with her lip piercing attached to her ear piercing by a thin silver chain, and studs pressed across her face, with pink highlights in her black hair; she came my hero number two. And then we saw Ashitaka, Eboshi, and San, who became heroes three, four, and five, respectively. But there were scary people too. This old woman who I SWEAR looked just like the witch from Howl's Moving Castle (mixed with Yubaba from Spirited Away), in her face. She was obviously taller and somewhat slimmer than that, and she was wearing all black, but she was just staring and Christany and I with this creepy smile... EEK! Also, there was this chick that was wearing nude-colored underwear and a bra, and otherwise just had like, cotton wrapped around her... and she was not exactly slim... it was just so gross! And a girl whose outfit was a black bra underneath a mesh shirt. Scary! But it was interesting people-watching while in that horrific line. I bumped into the guy in front of us twice - once dropping and picking up Christany's phone, and once because I turned around while we were walking. Also, the guys behind us were kinda weird: "Sexy no jutsu? I think it's more like no sexy jutsu. *dorky laughter*" D: Also, Christany said some guy tried to take a picture of me, but I walked in some doors before he got me. Hah! Oh, and Jeff and Keith wore cat tails and Keith had a ringleted, bright pink wig that was a little bit scary... The tails were hilarious when they were playing DDR though.

Well everyone else met up with us in the line, and we stood around and FINALLY got my little card thing with my name on it... Then we got to run around. We got lunch, and I proceeded to drop my pink lemonade. >_>; But I ended up drinking half of Christany's because she's awesome like that. Oh, and we were fangirls! There was this awesome Sanosuke cosplayer there, awesome Zanbatou and everything, and we leaned over the second floor railings to get a better look at him (after taking a picture of course) and I got the idea to have all our girls yell, "Hi Sanosuke!" So... we did! And he looked up and sort of waved nervously back to us. It was so awesome! Heather did that to a Greed, and we did it to an Axel and several Roy's. :D Ryley got rather embarassed.
Oh, and at the end we went to this voice acting thing, where there was a short clip of this Snow-ball Wars anime thing, and people gathered in groups to read lines in Japanese. I was too nervous and the only person I'd actually be able to play (Kihara), was the lines I kept messing up (I kept wanting to say katakana instead of katanakya, and imaga rather than imiga). So we just listened to the other people do it, and there were a lot of awesome ones! The last line of the clip is "jane~~~~~~!" And you have to scream it! And for the last run of the clip, the whole room did it together... it was so loud! Hehe... it was fun. ^^ Then we went outside to wait for Christany's parents to come pick us up, and observed random, awesome cosplayers. There was a whole gathering of Full Metal Alchemist players, but Heather was definitely the best Ed, even after she'd taken her blonde braided wig off. Oh, and Christany took of her D wig, and her hair was in braided pigtails, and she looked so cool! She reminded me of a Street Fighter character. XD Soyeah, AX was fun, even though I now have a big fat blister on the bottom of my left little toe. Haha... damn those sexy ass shoes.

I've felt lately like I've lost all eloquence. I want to be an author, but I feel like I've lost the ability to manipulate words the way I used to. It used to come so easily, an art that I was truly good at, and now, (maybe because I lack practice?) I can't seem to write anything that I deem even acceptable. I have lost my muse, I am not inspire to write, I have had no new ideas, I cannot concentrate on anything. Well with any luck, I'll be able to settle down and write something worth reading once the school year ends.

First he just gets pissed off and leaves before we go to the mall on Friday.

Then he sends me a message: "I hate you. You are a terrible person."

So I refuse to speak to him. Which I obviously have a right to. And then:

"i had a long talk with tim, and decided im done with you two, was nice while it lasted but i never want to see or talk to you again. I'll be fine, having a life and such. Good luck, and good night. SOrry it had to be like this."

I'm so sick of him, and all his drama. I have tried to repair our friendship so many times, and every time something happens again. He puts so much extra stress on me, and I cannot take it anymore. I cannot take him anymore. I'm done with him too.

Anyway... hey, Ryley, sorry about not commenting your entries, I have read all of them, I just haven't been in the mood to type a lot lately, sorry about that.

What is wrong with us? Being teenagers, being hormonal, this is all just shit.

I am constantly teetering on the edge with Keith. I never know where we stand, when we're talking and when we aren't, when he's going to be pissed off or in good humor. I never know, there is no warnings. Because somehow, somehow, he always manages to turn everything I say back against me, to make me seem like the jerk. The thing is, I don't have this problem with any of my other friends, ever. Just talking with him, I get so stressed out and so depressed, I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel lost, and confused... I just don't know.

I mean, people need help, and somehow I end up being the person trying to help. Only I can't. I can never help anybody, it never works out, and then I just feel like shit because I fail time and time agian. So why do people keep coming to me when they obviously are not benefitting from any of the retarded things I try to do?

And what the hell is with all the girls that like Tim?! I mean, so far I've heard Brianna and Becca, both of which I knew, Kasey, and there is another girl but he couldn't remember her name, and I don't know if either of those is true... obviously not the last one. I know he chose me, I know that being in Australia, there's nothing any of them can do (although Kasey I am not worried about, even if he was here, I don't think she would do that), but I still don't like to hear it. But god damn it... it's just, I found something to great, so incredible, and right when I did, it was snatched away from me. I got a taste of what I'd been missing, and now I can't have it. It's way worse than having never been with anyone before, only liking someone and having them not like you back. This is so much worse than that. Because IMs and MySpace and even weekend phonecalls, it is good and it keeps me from doing something extremely stupid, but it's not enough. Because I'm not as strong as I want to come off as. I need to be comforted too, and not just by words. I know I have my friends and I love them, but there is nothing like just being in the arms of the one you love, because a friend's hugs are comfort, but a lover's embrace makes those problems go away.

But I'm not allowed to go to Australia this summer. My mother thinks it won't last, she thinks I'll go after someone else. Because I never told her just how strong the feelings were; for all she knows, he's barely more than a crush. But obviously it's a lot more than that. But therefore she thinks it stupid to go to Australia. So I can't even enjoy my summer. I just have to wait for winter, when he will come back to visit for a little while. He was planning on coming right before school let out for winter break, so he could have a day or two at school to shock people with his presence. But that time, it's so far away. And all our other silly little plans for the long term, they are even further away. I would do anything for another day with him. Screw everyone trying to break us up. He is mine and I am his, that's the way it will always be.

Current Mood: uncomfortable

OH MAN. Okay, on Wednesday, Christany, Sarah, Aubrey, Heather, and myself all headed to the Westminster mall to pick up a birthday present for Sensei. And we went to Small Wonders and they still had the kitty pillow that I had put on Tim's leg! So I bought it, and my mom washed it because it smelled funny, and I'm happyyyy. I loves him. :3 He's gonna take me to Knott's Scary Farm next year, and we're gonna stay until 3 in the morning, and then we're gonna get Starbucks! Ahaha, we rock.

Hey, I have a feeling I was tricked. Jeff and Keith backed out of the Mitsuwa thing so it was just Tim and I. But it wasn't awkward like I thought it'd be, we had fun and ate Pocky. XD


Crazy stuff. I posted pics already on Tim's page, but hey, whatever. Hey, hey, he asked me out one month ago today! But I didn't tell him that. Haha. Hey, Misty brought up a good point on AIM... this was our first time alone outside of school. Sweeeet. OH YEAH, we saw Ootsuka-sensei and her daughter! It was pretty awesome. Except that Ootsuka-sensei didn't know my real name. XD Yeah, we were talking and Tim points over my shoulder and he's like, "It's Ootsuka-sensei" and I was all confused. And then we went and read a book with people sucking suggestively on bananas. It was odd. But no contact at all whatsoever, not even accidental. ;-; Next weekend is most likely my last weekend with him... I hadn't even cried or anything about his leaving because I thought it wasn't true, but now I know it is. I was just thinking about it last night, or whatever, and I just started crying for like two hours straight. I hate crying. Pbttth, crying's for the weak. Haha.

Anyway, right now I'm waiting for Keith to call me back, and if he doesn't call by two then I'm going to sleep.